November may be ‘stache cultivation month, but that has done nothing to dilute its mission statement; I’m-the-month-before-Christmas-I-will-slap-you. No better month on the calendar then to produce crystalline lists, documenting the various life experiences that boil my blood, make my right ear overly hot, dilate my pupils, flare my nostrils and lock my jaw in a drastic attempt to prevent verbal Armageddon. Please add to this list, it makes me feel less alone.
1. Being CC’d – I do not give a shit. I don’t do it, so why do 99% of my human counterparts think that CCing is as necessary as breathing. New rule; if I don’t have to act, I don’t want to know.
2. Caring – not caring would be transformational as it would remove perfectionism and guilt from my life. I care about orders not shipping, I care about targets being missed, I care about emails being unanswered, I care about the hidden decent of many western governments into fascist regimes. Caring is a cloud that positions itself a foot above me, precipitates stress-rain and strikes my frontal lobe with worry-rods.
3. Alt Tabbing – I have a data processing claw for a left hand now. It looks like Jim Carrey’s “The Claw” in Liar Liar but isn’t funny.
4. Pre-Exit Enterers – this is a class of sub-humans characterized by their entry onto public transport before allowing the exit of those already onboard. They only answer to the sweet justice of raised elbows, or “entry deniers” as they’re known in my head.
5. Loud Point Makers – I am speaking. Just because the volume of your voice is 3 to 7 decibels above mine, does not mean your point overrules mine, fuckface. If that were the case then I’d just shout every time I spoke, so overruling everything instantly.
6. Groiners – a class of skim boarding injury where one foot makes it onto the board, the other decides that the board isn’t good enough and contacts the earth instead. The resulting injury targets the groin with its fury, disabling the victim for days.