Monday Issue – The Smell Of Rebellion

One question; is she pooing on her board?

too many questions...

Old news – there is a rebel surf tour being formed by rogue elements from the surf industrial complex including a bored legend and a cwhoreporate king,  working with an outside dark force (read; a possibly corrupt boxing promoter).  Do I hear “combination of dreams”?

More old news – details of the rebel tour are sparse but the internet doesn’t care as it has opinions.  Opinions forged from anger.  Anger forged from boredom.  The boredom of sitting at a desk for hours, counting down life in a slurry of spreadsheets and drinking coffee that tastes like wetsuit juice*.

*formed when a unrinsed, recently used wetsuit is kept in a warm place in a tight plastic bag.

Old links – read about the hard facts at the links below:,,25860128-2702,00.html

Here are my thoughts on the new tour and the old tour, the dark and the light:


Less shit surfers please, i.e. Brazilians.

More emphasis on aerials and high risk maneuvers, less emphasis on Brazilians.

Less emphasis on size of wave as anyone can luck into the best wave of the heat and straight line it whilst getting shacked (the Brian Conley as it’s known, have you seen the guy turn, it’s manorexic and arthritic).

More roaming licenses for events and let’s stop flogging the Basque Jewel.  You know the one, where it’s a square freight train left barrel at every other time of year except when the ASP sausage fest is in town.

Less time to run an event.  I can only keep my windows media player hidden from my boss for so long.  The longer the event the more chance his evil gaze will land on my blinking mini screen of joy.

One commentary team for web casts, plus special guests for added flavour, not affiliated with any surf brand and not a surf industry bro with an accent that makes my ears bleed.  Egan, I’m looking at you (love your surf work, stay away from the mic).

More prize money for all.  I shit you not; darts players make more than pro surfers.  This proves there isn’t a God hands down.

Rebel Tour –

ESPN = Sal Malcuntseka.

16 surfers = boring as fuck.  As much as the top guys rule, how uninteresting would it be to pretty much have the same guys surfing against each other for 5 months with no chance for upsets (plus, who picks the wildcards, please tell me it’s Sal).  Mick Fanning, speed speed speed speed, lightening snap, speed, speed speed, lightening snap, repeat until wave asks Mick to stop.  De Souza, small frenetic lemur mid face snap, spaz pump, spaz pump, spaz pump, spazz pump, spaz pump, lemur kick out.  It would be so much more interesting if the top surfers on the lower tier (i.e. WQS) had a chance to get into the events when they are doing well, then you’d have ripping youth and aged Brazilians coming in and causing the established surfing monarchy to shit in their springsuits.

5 month season = shithouse season for surf.  Restricts the venues to North America and certain other parts of the world.  Great, I want to see the same guys surf 5 different spots in California with Sal doing the commentary.  Please shoot me in the face with resin and catalyst.

Tailoring the programming to a non surfing audience = there is something about surfing that non surfers just don’t get, more than any other “action sport” (I hate that term).  If you show non surfers a surf vid, they think it’s boring as they don’t understand the intricacies of different top turns, or different wave’s personalities or even different sections in the same wave.  I don’t think it will ever have mainstream acceptance (which I like) as the general public will never ‘get it’.  They will always think the biggest wave is the best, so basically they want to see the Eddie, just everyone taking off straight and Flea eating meth induced shit.  Or, they are only interested if 4 airs are done on each wave because they look like skateboarding airs, but don’t understand that the surfers quarter pipe is moving beneath them.  Aaaagh, I hate the proles and their FMX damaged brains.


If anyone is thinking about forming a new surf tour learn one thing from this episode.  Maybe announce the new tour in the off season with a completely bullet proof, information packed press release, not let it leak out in the midst of someone else’s rip roaring season (poor Parko) when you are consitently losing to wildcards.

I smell the end of professional surfing as we know it.  New tour = Fail.  ASP = Fail as all the sponsors reduce the cash available or pull out completely to insert into the new tour.  The perfect shitstorm is brewing and surfing is on its way back to being a counter culture.

White boards and fights in the car park.


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